Cops 'n' Taxis: A Private Partnership

We've all seen it. Taxi drivers who drive erratically, make sloppy lane changes, and ENTER intersections on a yellow light! Who do these people think they are, making up their own rules for the road while we have to follow every law right to the last subsection-paragraph? We go one kilometer per hour over the speed limit, and what happens? That's right. Cops pull us over. We don't even see them. Sometimes, I question whether or not they are even a part of this realm of existence until I start speeding. Whatever it is, they're always there when I even think about breaking any driving laws.

So now we need to ask, why is it you never see taxis being pulled over by the police? I'll tell you why. The taxi companies have a secret "understanding" between themselves and the local police department. In this "understanding", the police agree to ignore any instances of poor driving performed by taxi drivers. What do the police receive in return?

Donut runs. That's right. The taxi drivers of your city work as a metropolitan network of pastry transport. The police and taxi staff work on a secret radio frequency which provides two-way communication regarding donut delivery details: how many donuts, what types, and when and where to deliver them. Let me tell you, things get ugly when the cops don't get their donuts. So the next time your taxi arrives late because they've been running an under-the-table errand, you just remember this: If it weren't for them, the cops would be hungry, and damn irritable.

And nobody wants that.

Outsourcing At Its Finest

Some people feel that Wal-Mart is not a good company. The most common accusation against Wal-Mart is that they outsource labor to sweatshops in other countries. The common belief is that Wal-Mart outsources manufacturing jobs to countries such as China, Hong Kong, Taiwan and India. That's what Wal-Mart wants you to believe!

Another point worth mentioning: We've all learned by now that Santa Claus doesn't exist. Yep, your parents play the part of Santa every Christmas Eve. Why? Well let me tell you something. Santa does exist, and he works for Wal-Mart! That's right. Santa exists, he lives in the North Pole, and he has hundreds of elves which work around the clock in his workshop making toys and various other products for Wal-Mart Corporation! You thought sweatshops could operate on wages of next-to-nothing, you should see this arrangement. Wal-Mart, of course, doesn't really care for the idea of unions, so when they discovered such a rich, untapped resource in the North Pole, they had to take advantage of it!

Wal-Mart used the same tactics with the elves as they do in every other continent. They pay 3 cents above minimum wage to make people think they'd be worse off at McDonald's, lavish employees with promises of "benefits", and personal respect for each and every individual. These poor elves were easily duped. After all, they had never lived anywhere outside of the North Pole. They knew no better.

So, okay, your parents lied to you, right? Not really. The elves really do create all the toys you get for Christmas, there's just one more link in the chain you weren't aware of. Manufactured toys go to Wal-Mart, where your parents shop, then tell you the presents came from Santa. "But wait a minute", you say, "what about the whole Santa-in-a-flying-sleigh thing?" That part is true. Sort of.

He is in a flying sleigh, but it ain't magic keeping that sleigh aloft. That's right. The sleigh itself has several hyper-fusion rockets mounted to the rear, giving it the ability to reach speeds of up to thirty-eight gigameters per hour. In fact, Santa's annual joy ride accounts for approximately 31.4% of the carbon dioxide in the Earth's atmosphere. It takes a few months for the ozone-depleting gases to settle, but when they do, there is a temporary, but large rise in the atmospheric temperature of the Northern Hemisphere.

Now you ask about the milk and cookies you leave out every Christmas Eve? Geez. You ask a lot of questions. Okay. Fine. You leave the cookies alone with the milk. You leave the milk alone with the cookies. Next time you check, they're both gone. Clearly, they have eaten each other!!! We have indisputable video evidence of this happening, in various broken links to YouTube videos that I will not be including at the end of this article. Just believe me, okay?

I Think They Already Know

You know those crane games where you operate a mechanical crane arm and try to pick up stuffed animals in an enclosed glass area? Yeah, they're totally rigged.

Nobody Owns Open-Source? Not Always.

You've heard of Open-Source software, right? No? Well, Open-Source software is a program whose source code is openly and freely available. In most cases, the software is free to download, use, distribute and modify as you see fit. Why would thousands of people join together, and contribute their $50,000/year talents for free to the same project? Because. They have absolutely no life.

Arguably, the largest and most important open-source contribution to the software world has been several different versions of the Linux operating system. Though Microsoft Windows is still installed on the majority of computers on Earth, Linux is free, and according to some people, just as good as or better than Windows!

Bill Gates, owner and CEO of Microsoft has always feared competition. Shrewd businessmen are always interested in exploring a market with little competition. Bill Gates didn't like the idea of competition, because it conflicted with his idea of owning a complete monopoly of the computing world. Realizing there would invariably end up being competition, what was Bill to do?

Why, create his own competition, of course. What businessman would want to enter an already bloated market? Exactly. So, Mr. Gates created his own rivals, Linux and the Apple Macintosh, and effectively created entire organizations to back them. It's true! Don't believe me? Then you suck!

Steve Jobs was secretly hired by Bill Gates all those 25-some years ago to play the part of CEO in his "rival company", Apple. Now, you might assume that Steve Jobs was simply an old friend of Bill's. Turns out, that's not the case! There'd be too much evidence of prior friendship, and people would get suspicious. No, it turns out that Steve was an amateur actor, looking for his big break auditioning for the Broadway musical, The Proctologist's Affair. Steve didn't get a part in the play, but he did get his big break. Mr. Gates attended the audition looking for someone exactly like Steve. A little-known, over-confident, charismatic actor that could fit the bill of CEO. He hired Steve on the spot, and never looked back. Steve Jobs now found himself with a new jobs- er... job.

Now, the Linux crowd is a different story. They're weren't all in on the scam. Linux works on the idea of a kernel - a basis for the rest of the operating system to work upon. This basic kernel was written by several freelance programmers Bill met while searching for such talent at the unemployment office. This part was simple, but as I said, the kernel is such a small part of Linux. How would Bill trick all those other thousands of programming enthusiasts to code for free? Come on now, do I really have to tell you? Computer programmers (and all computer nerds, for that matter) are lonely, insecure people. Being at the bottom of the Social Pyramid for all of their high school years, computer nerds crave a sense of belonging. Thus, Bill created the Alliance for a Community-Driven Operating System (ACDOS). In Bill's mind, however, ACDOS secretly stood for "A Competitor of DOS", DOS being Microsoft's flagship product of the time.

Now, owning a separate profitable company makes good business sense, as all profits from Apple just trickle up to Bill, but why create a competitor such as Linux and then give it away for free? That doesn't sound so smart. But remember, Bill Gates is Master of Conspiracy! When he plays Chess, he thinks 2⁵ moves ahead. Remember that Linux kernel I told you about? It is the core that holds the rest of Linux together, that's true. However, it has another nefarious motive.

The Linux kernel also goes by the codename "Spy Module For The Unfaithful", (SMFTU for short) among the highest ranks of Microsoft Headquarters. This Spy Module acts very much like modern spyware, except it is made by Microsoft, so they can actually get away with it. It works by detecting if there are at least 500 dollars worth of Microsoft products installed on the machine. If there isn't, it begins actively searching for information stored on the Linux partition of your ATA/SATA hard disk for information it can use against you. For example, those "sexy" photos you took at last weekend's party? Boom. Emailed to that prospective employer you've been exchanging emails with. That text file holding your credit card number you created for "safekeeping"? That information has been used to purchase and ship 389 cases of Viagra to your home. What about those copyrighted materials you downloaded? Yep, your trusty Linux email client just emailed the RIAA about your online escapades. Above all of these, the kernel has efficient access to your entire web browsing history, and knows the most effective way to send that information to your wife.

So long story, short, you don't piss off Fidel Castro when you're in Cuba, and you don't piss off Microsoft when you're in the computing world, because like Fidel, they know everything you do.

I Mean Seriously, What Do You Strive For After Becoming The Freaking Emperor!?

I'm certain you've seen all 6 Star Wars movies, as we all have. If you have, then you've no doubt experienced the nightmares brought on by the mere appearance of Emperor Palpatine (I most certainly know that he reminds me of my chain-smoking great-grandfather if he were to be aged an additional 70 years).

As you have read in the Wikipedia page on Palpatine- What? You haven't read it yet? Didn't you get the prerequisite sheet for this article? It's no wonder you flunked out of college! Very well, I'll wait.

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Done yet? Good. As you read just now, Palpatine has spent his life rising through the ranks, from Senator, to Supreme Chancellor, right up to Emperor and Dark Sith Lord. So now, as suggested by the Title of this Chapter/Section Thingy, I have to ask where Palpatine goes once he reaches Emperor. What's left to shoot for? I mean, he's the bloody Emperor! He says do something and the people have to do it! They may not like it, but they do it.

That's exactly it. They don't like it. People start not liking the things you tell them to do, and you're going to find yourself defenestrated faster than the contents of a chamber pot in Italy at dawn. A full democratic mutiny I tells ya! Palpatine realized this. He understood that the voting public he ruled over were not the sheep they were when he was younger. They were capable of independent thought, and this scared the Geritol out of him! He thought to himself, "How can I achieve total mind control over the people?" He couldn't (the Jedi Mind Trick does not have such a widespread range). So he would have to settle for the next-best thing: Control Through Fear. To do so, he would have to create fear of a power higher than himself.

It became clear what the next step was. Emperor Palpatine was to become Pope Palpatine. He arranged the entire assassination attempt on Pope John Paul II (poisoning by way of high-sodium sugar in the Pope's tea), and soon found himself elected Pope (the election was totally rigged, but what election isn't?).

Palpatine adopted the papal name Pope Benedict XVI, and began ruling as leader of the Catholic people.

Oh, come on. Don't pretend you didn't see that coming. Haven't you seen how much Palpatine looks like the new Pope? Go do a Google Image Search on it. Search for "palpatine ratzinger". I'll wait.

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Did you see it? Isn't the resemblance uncanny? It's insane! Am I right?

Now do you believe me? No? Then don't blame me when the "Pope" strikes you down with Force lightning.