Stop Cleaning. Get Swiffer. Clean Forever!

Do you remember those disposable Swiffer (and then several other after-market) cloths? Do you remember how, in the commercials for Swiffer, they would always show the woman allegedly "trying" a Swiffer cloth on her kitchen floor for the first time? After only a few swipes of Deceptive-Cloth-On-A-Stick, she picks up the Swiffer and it's absolutely black with crud!

Now, the Swiffer Corporation will have you believe that this woman's floors were all along filthy, yet such grease 'n grime was unable to be picked up by other "inferior" cleaning products. For the most part, Swiffer has convinced the public as a whole that this is the case, successfully silencing nay-sayers by dismissing them as "whackos". Well now this whacko has a website, and he's here to reveal the truth!

What years of careful research has shown me is that this "invisible uncleanliness" that rests upon your kitchen floors does not actually exist; not at a microscopic, nanoscopic, or even picoscopic level! It turns out that the entire myth of unclean floors has been an invention of Cleaning Product Corporations, beginning several decades ago when Procter & Gamble began promoting their cleaning solvents.

So the question still remains, where does that black crud on my cloth come from? It's actually quite simple. So simple, nobody even bothered to think of it. Concealed within each swiffer pad is a small deposit of black dye. The friction caused by running the cloth across your floor is enough to release this dye, which is then absorbed into the cloth, and voila! We are convinced that such blemishes have come from our own floors.

So, you've just read four paragraphs, and said to yourself "Bah! Nonsense!", but remember, the next time your parents ask you to clean the floors, show them this article in your defense. It won't work, but wasting the time of others is always fun!

Who Framed Lee Harvey Oswald?

The JFK assassination was open to much public debate about a possible government conspiracy. Official government position seemed to maintain that Lee Harvey Oswald most certainly had the means with which to shoot the president. However, it seems nobody chose to analyze the motives of a potential killer.

We must ask ourselves this: What would one have to gain from Kennedy no longer being in the Oval Office? It must have been related to his presidency, right? Many assassinations are because of political power. But not this one. Oh, no. There was something else Kennedy had that somebody wanted very, very badly... His wife.

That's right. Jacqueline Kennedy. And he would stop at nothing to make her his own. That is correct, devoted readers, I propose that JFK's killer is none other than Aristotle Onassis, future husband of the former Mrs. John Finklestein Kennedy!

(Audience gasps)

And so, I say to the readers of this startling upset: Case Closed.

Frozen Waltsicle

We've all heard the rumors that Walter Disney, creator of the absolutely huge Disney Corporation and owner of such famous cartoon characters such as Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and a slew of others, was cryogenically frozen upon his death. The hope was, of course, that he would be frozen until modern science became advanced enough to reanimate him and allow him to continue living.

The question that is left in my mind is, why? Why did Walt Disney want to continue living at some point possibly far in the future? Perhaps he wanted to be able to ensure that the creations he left for his planet were not corrupted by new Disney executives. Maybe he had a genuine interest in the advance of technology, as evidenced by his futuristic designs for Tomorrowland in Disney World. It's even possible that dear old Walt just wanted to create another 1000 Disney characters used for brainwashing our children.

I, however, have uncovered new evidence regarding Walt Disney's intentions in continued life. I have reason to believe that Walt Disney has plans to outfit himself with bionic implants, turning himself into an unstoppable war machine. In fact, the cryogenic rumors often include that only Walt's head was frozen. It makes sense that they will replace his entire body with mechanical parts. Now, right now you're probably convinced I'm lying. You're thinking, Walt Disney was a good, innocent man. He loved children. Why would he want to bring about destruction?

Well hush up. I'm about to tell you. Walt "died" in the mid-60's. The 60's were a time of change and rebellion. Walt could see many changes happening all around him; he could see the innocent ways of the 50's dying, and drugs, sex and indecency taking its place. It was clear to him that the world would soon turn into a place in which humans would be their own undoing.

Soon, Disney will be revived, and his task will be set for him. He intends to return as supreme overlord of the Earth, and steer our ultra-adult society back to a simpler time: A time where men would stop to open doors for women, children respected their elderly, and the only wars were for just causes; unlike today, when they are mainly conflicts over oil reserves.

I advise the readers out there to begin reconsidering their influence on society as an individual, as well as society's influence on the future as a whole. You have been fairly warned. Walt Disney will return all-powerful, and when that happens, he will unleash his judgement upon us.

All Hail Disney!

You'd Never Suspect The Pretzels

In January 2002, George W. Bush, president of the United States of America, allegedly choked on a pretzel while watching a football game. This incident caused him to lose consciousness and cut his face while falling to the floor. This was publicly portrayed as a coincidental mishap, as a badly-bruised President Bush joked about the incident. "My mother always said when you're eating pretzels, chew before you swallow," he said shortly after the episode.

Many people were skeptical about this explanation, and they were right to be. How could their always fearless leader fall victim to a simple pretzel: a common household snack? Speculation emerged that this was possibly a cover-up for a recent assassination attempt on the president. It seemed reasonable that some would want a man in a position of such power dead, just as it seemed ridiculous that the president could fall victim to pretzels.

They were, however, only half right. An attempt on the president's life was being performed, but it is naive to rule out pretzels as the culprit. That is correct, attentive readers, I propose that an assassination attempt was made by the Pretzel People of Snackalon-5!

Realizing the increasing problem of Obesity in America, the White House has in recent years began the War On Junk Food agenda. Obviously, this is bad for pretzel sales, and being that their sole purpose in life is to be eaten, much worse for the Pretzel People of Snackalon-5.

Something had to be done about this, and the Pretzel People realized what this was. They needed to launch an attack on the White House. Primary Target: The President. Led by valiant military leader Commander Salty, the Pretzel Militia were smuggled past White House security under the ingenious guise of... a bag of pretzels. The attack was planned to occur during the big football game, so that the President was most likely to be alone and, um, eating pretzels.

It wasn't long before the President ran out of beer, but no matter, for so long as pretzels remained, he was determined that pretzels would be eaten. Unfortunately, the Pretzel Militia had prepared themselves for the occasion. They had sharpened their ends in electric pencil sharpeners, and ensured they had increased their salt content by over 312% before beginning the mission. It wasn't long before a young pretzel named Twisty Crisperson became lodged in Bush's throat.

Fortunately for President Bush, Donald the Pool Boy heard his dry coughs for help, and came running. For his brave efforts that day, Donald was promoted to Secretary of Defense.